FORGIVEN

                                                            Photo credit: faithis.com

On that day she said “I believe” love began to live in her. A love that had the security she once longed for from humans. She couldn’t explain it – His love spurred up a passion for love unto others too. Though some circumstances of life made it seem like being loving was not the correct dispensation but on those times, she would recall who she was and who she had become; her transformation spelt out GRACE. Plain and simple – Grace in Jesus. It allowed her give people time to mature. There were days she would cry, laugh, smile or just stay silent, wondering what manner of love he continually bestowed upon her. It was real. Though invisible yet real.

“Hey! Where have you been?” The chat stated.  She woke up to it.

 “How far?” she replied, communicating a familiarity that didn’t exist. She couldn’t wait for the team work to be over. She needed to get done with the guy. He resembled unrest. The irony was he had a calm appearance. She joked about it with her friends but she had some content of seriousness in it.

“Are we meeting today?” – The text popped up. She cringed, running out of patience.

“We have a group chat. Can you ask them there? I’m not the only one in the group.”

“Why do you sound harsh? You were not in the first meeting”

She ignored. She promised herself not to reply any of his text except it had an urgency for their group work. He was smart. His ideas were strong points for a successful project. It was their last group work in school and she wanted everyone’s best in it. Her lecturer instructed that she led her group. It was a punishment for putting down her face during the search of a group leader.  

“See, let’s just try and put in our best in this thing. In the next two months, we’ll be done with the whole undergraduate stuff. As you are looking at me, I’ve finish school, I’m just here”.

The tired cohort busted into laughter.

“School is a scam oo” her favourite bellowed. She liked the guy. His wahala had peace in it. Her judgment had a higher chance of objectivity. Her spirit could testify that there was a kind of peace she saw in him. His nature - the people’s person confirmed it. She stared at him, forgetting herself in him.  

“Oga!!! Shut up! School is a scam, yet you are graduating with a first class. Shey we should exchange certificate? I like your own” Another guy replied. Laughter broke out the more.

He caught her stealing a look at him as she smiled. Her friend caught her too. She rolled her eyes to an empty direction: a yellow wall. He took charge of what he saw or what he yearned to see. “Oluwadarasimi you know that your smiles are beautiful. They are cute”. His voice went serious though calm.  

“Loud it!” One of her friends stood up, creating snaps from her thumb and index finger while the cohort chorused “awwwwwwwwnnnnnnnnn”. Noise filled the atmosphere. Stamina failed Dara. She dragged a sit. He smiled at her. She blushed.

“Please, let’s try and just finish strong” she wrapped up.  

She wasn’t sure she made sense. The cohort were immersed in the admiration. Dara struggled not to make the admiration matter. She had learnt not to work based on assumptions. “If he likes me, he will walk up to me to tell me” she reminded herself.

 “Ok. Girls, we'll meet at the success quadrangle to finalise the graphics. Boys, meet at ‘your’ quadrangle for finance”.

                                                       

Her friend bade her good night. Dara decided to stay back at the theatre, it was 5:02pm. It seemed too early to leave for the hostel. She had some assignments to finish.

The smell of vegetation choked her throat, it was about to rain. There was an unusual quietness in the hall. The securities didn’t pass by. She packed her bags, perceiving danger. It was time to leave for the hostel.

Lightning flashed. Thunder struck. Her heart skipped. An external darkness followed through. She tried to beat the upcoming downpour but it met her at the entrance of the hall. They raged – the thunder, lightning and the downpour raged. She returned. Fears crept into her mind. By seconds, fears intensified. A sudden black out occurred, she startled. She began the search for her phone in her bag but he reached for her arms before she reached her phone. He pulled her to a corner. The corner had a door, he slammed it.

“I told you you were too harsh but you ignored. Let me see how cute your smile will be to him.”  He did it.

Her alarm rang. She stretched to put it off. She had been awake all night. She closed her eyes to pray, the words were bare. It meant nothing. She allowed her roommate leave for class before she rose from her bed. Her shower took 2 hours. The goal was to scrub her body until there was no more dirt. It made her dirtier. Guilt heightened. Peace ceased. Only few things made sense - dirt, guilt, fear, silence. Days passed. Weeks passed. Oppression toughened, she summoned courage to do the necessary. She left the hurt to lie fallow: for self-guilt motivated the hurts had come know. It was tough! She turned to the forgiveness thingy, it sponsored the self-blame even more. She didn’t bring it up to her dad. Her chest burnt from night mares. On those midnight she woke up to cry, she doubted the love of the man that never stopped pouring down his love. She didn’t tell him; she feared revisiting the hurt. It stunk!

                                                         

“You’re not happy, why?” They reached the college aisle together. They shared same college but different departments. The last time they conversed was on their day two orientation, it didn’t go down well on Dara.

“Nothing, I’m good”

“Are you sure?”

“I guess It’s the whole last days stress” Dara replied, not sure if she wanted the conversation.

“Ok. If you’re not too busy, can we have launch together?”

“Hmmmm…. Yes. I was actually on my way to eat but not in this cafeteria. The one beside my hostel”.

“No problem. My hostel is also your lane”

“Ok. But why do want to have lunch with me?” 

“Because I saw you crying and I know you’re hurting” She smiled. 

She expected the usual response “nothing”. She had thought of the girl as a snob during their collegial class. As they spoke she knew her assumptions were wrong.

“At home, you attend Christ’s Chambers Fellowship right?”

“Yes”. Dara smiled. “How did you know?” She probed further.

“I stalked you on instagram ja re. On those days we don’t have much to do, we just decide to check on the people we admire from a distance”

Dara chuckled. The lady smiled, watching Dara fight pain.

“What’s your name?” A level of trust had stirred up in Dara. It had something to do with ease.

“Esther, Esther Adams.”

“It’s time to let go Dara”

Dara didn’t pretend. She perceived at some point that the conversation had something to do with her hurt. Dara asked that they stop by a garden to sit.

“You see, the more people like my friends and then you tell me to let go, the more I get angry. It’s not like I don’t want to forgive but it feels as though the forgiveness thing is bringing more hurt. The fact that I can’t do it makes me angrier and guilt tripped”

 “Have you had a conversation with your Daddy?” Esther gestured. The rise and fall of her voice communicated a rare sincerity. It had to be love as the motive.

“I don’t want to, I don’t feel like talking to him about it. I don’t think I can combine the thought of talking to him about that guy”

“You’re struggling, your daddy wants to hear. He wants to bear the burden for you. He wants to help you go on with the forgiveness process. Trust me, it’s not going to be one-off. Forgiveness is a process and it’s not His will to frustrate you.

Think about it, did putting him behind bars take away the dirt and pain you feel? It was bold and courageous of you to speak out; that way, you saved more people from hurt but the truth is that you’re not done yet. Many girls like you are not done yet. Dara, you know the answer to this Chaos is Jesus - the hard lover! It can never be his plan to frustrate you. What the devil wants to do is to strategically take you away from God. But it’s a lie! This very thing will bring you closer. God loves you!”

“I know my Daddy loves me, I know” She affirmed with her hands on her chest. Tears dropped from Dara’s eye, from Esther’s too.

“Can I buy my food in a pack? I don’t think I can wait to eat. I really want to talk to God privately right now” She explained, expressing gratitude.

“Oh! Yes, you can” Esther smiled as they walked to the food stand. Her expression was what she prayed for.  

“Thank you so much, God bless you”.

“You’re welcome. Success in your final paper tomorrow and Happy Birthday in advance”.

“Wow! You are so awesome” Dara meant her words. She smiled, with her eyes too. The Damsel was so awesome.  

She rushed, booming in a holy urgency. She stretched her neck to her roomie’s bunk, she was yet to come from school. Perfect timing! She reached out for her towel, took her bath, wore her play gown and then sat on her bed.

The Lord spoke “Child, I delight in your delight” she smiled to tears. She hadn’t even started conversing, he was speaking.

“I miss you, I delight to be your delight Dad. I was pained and I’m still pained.

It used to be very easy but this one is hard. I can’t do it. The more I try to do it, the more I see more reasons not to do it. Holy Spirit please help me. I just want this phase to pass” She cried out loud.

“The devil is in every part, painting pictures that does not exist. Your daddy has not called you dirt, you’re the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus. Your Daddy does not inflict pain, He wants you to cast every burden to him because he truly cares. He has not given you the spirit of fear, remember child it’s of love of power and of a sound mind” The Lord reminded her.

“Can your Daddy ever fail you?” The Lord asked?

“No sir”

“Child, rest in me. Fight from the place of victory not fear. It doesn’t matter what he tries to make out of this, it’s all a lie. You have my power in you.”

“I want to try to pray for him. It’s really hard to do that but I know that you are the answer to his wicked ways and the ways of many wicked men. I pray that he comes to know you. I pray their heart is turned from stony to fleshy”

She giggled. “From stony to fleshy” she emphasized. “But I’m not joking, from a heart of stone to a heart of flesh. Their ways are really causing harm to the lives of many and making people think you do not exist.

She paused. “But then, you know that Esther girl sabi your work oo. I know I don’t need to tell you to bless her but bless her”. She giggled.

She took a three hours nap in preparation to study for her last paper. For the first time in a long time, she had a sound nap: void of night mares. It was a light course, though she read with some form of seriousness. The morning blossomed. She was dressed for her final paper. She stared at the mirror placed in front of her desk with a grin as she muttered her verse for the week “in whom we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sin, according to the riches of his grace” (Ephesians 1:7).