MOTIVE

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 “Your friend, the tall one, someone I know likes him”
He laughed. “Who?”

They gathered in same office battling same purpose – Research. His supervisor was for some reason scarce to see; he often had to wait. The two friends habitually had their stay in one of their lecturer’s office. She was the one students often flocked around. She shared same office with his ‘scare’ lecturer.

She smiled, processing how thoughtless she sounded. The words fell; may be to satisfy a dare. He probed further. This time, whole-heartedly. She laughed in return, trying to buy time for the best retort. Nothing happened. No words. No thoughts. Just blank. She turned to steal a look at her friend whose eyes now sent the expression of that painful act: betrayed! She had turned white or pale. I think pale.

He could decipher who and what she meant. Perhaps, who and what they now meant but he needed clarity. He laughed to buy relaxation. He pitched his last probe; she could tell his quest would end there. His intonation said so.
“Who likes who?”

She grinned. Behind the scene was a hidden disdain. “I shouldn’t have told him my friend was crushing on his friend” She thought. She smiled again, knowing not what to do nor what to say. “You know now” she finally muttered, then blushed.

“Forgive yourself, you have told her sorry” Her lecturer said.
“I want to forgive myself. But it was a secret, I was not meant to say it out. I doubt I will let that kind of thing slide if it was me.”
She smiled. Shook her head. She had better things to think of than the 'serenren' her students were offering her. “It’s not an issue, forgive yourself.” Her friend left for a choir meeting,  leaving her alone with their lecturer.
“It’s night already, are you ready?”
“Yes”
“Do you want me to drop you at the hostel?”
“No ma, I want to walk.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes ma” she smiled.

The night was rowdy. They were outside: lovers, foodies, workers. She walked in unkempt paces. She needed a conversation with her Father. Unused to the pace, she took her usual pace down the aisle blasting beneath her breath - tongues.

“Daddy today wasn’t that fine, it wasn’t. I made a mistake. I told him that my friend likes his friend. I feel bad. If it was me, you know me nah, I will vex for like the whole semester. I will forgive o but that forget…

“ Are you sure it's because you are sorry for your friend?’’ He spoke as a nudge – See romance. What a privilege to house the ruler of the whole universe just by believing in his Son Jesus Christ. She revisited that part of her thoughts. It often surrendered her to a wonder. She paused, a little bewildered at why He said what He said. “I don’t know what you mean… Ahhhhhhh. I’m sorry! The motive behind my staying angry and staying remorseful wasn’t actually for her. Yes, I was sorry but I was feeling angry for a long time because the words came from me and I felt like - what will they think about of me?”

So now, let’s talk.

On those days we fall short, why do we cringe for so long? Yes, remorse is part of the process of repentance; it shows that our consciences are alive but what of those days we choose to promote that guilt? Those days we want to save ourselves but loose ourselves in the process? Or those times we’ve obviously lost but we still try to cover up. There’s this name for it – “pride”. We don’t want to be seen as the person who made that mistake. I like one of the synonymous words of pride, it’s called “ego”. I feel like the “ego” sounds realer than “pride”. Whenever I pronounce it or hear it, it explains those shoulder pads even more. How those pads sometimes sprout out; they are quite ugly right? Please, forgive my bias. Pride or ego, the fact is that – we should openly learn from our mistakes or accept our wrongs without a need to ‘by all means’ protect our ‘image’. Wait, so you don’t run off with the idea that your image is insignificant or no one is watching you, there is this balance to note from Pastor Emmanuel Iren – “To think no one is watching you is to fool yourself. To think everyone is watching you is to be fool of yourself”.

The truth is that; there are times where no one can see that there is a selfish motive behind our eagerness to just be right but God sees. Sometimes, our human minds don’t even see the ‘why’ behind our actions but the place of prayer helps us scan our motives. When we converse or make intercession with our Father by the Spirit and allow Him find expression through us, He shows us that even dying to save a friend can be for a wrong motive.

Let’s pray: Lord, please help me do the right things with the right motives.